Monday, August 3, 2009

Shakespearean Insult Gum

Shakespearean Insult GumSometimes I pick things up to save you the trouble. Because I know that you’re the babbling ill-nurtured ingested-lump that’d be tempted to buy Shakespearean Insult Gum. The little “shelf” of “books” is actually a set of boxes that hold two gumballs and a line from one of the scribe’s plays.

William Shakespeare was the master of the witty insult and now you can amaze your friends with these highbrow putdowns!

It’s like an episode of Frasier, but with gum!

The assortment of boxes feature names of Shakespeare’s tragedies on the spines: King Lear, Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet, Henry V, Hamlet, Richard III and Othello. My fobbing idle-headed whey-face couldn’t remember that many insults from the great dramas, figuring that just a transcription of The Taming of the Shrew is probably all the insults one would need for any novelty product. (You remember the wildly popular Katherina doll called the Spewing Shrew that you pulled the little cord on the top of her head and she would animate and push you out of your chair and call you names ... they were pulled from the market pretty quickly so they’re quite the collector’s item.)

Shakespearean Insult Gum

Each little box contains two gumballs. They came in a variety of colors, though four of the boxes had one green and one white. I feared, knowing they were made in China that I would end up with spongy long-tongued botch.

The gum itself are solid little balls (though not quite spherical), not those hollow ones that slanderous flap-mouthed skainsmates try to pawn off on unsuspecting gum-chewers. They were pretty small, so it’d probably be more of an engineering issue to make them any lighter. Even two pieces didn’t make a decent chewing amount.

Pink was cherry. A little tangy, rather soft but mercifully free of bitterness. Yellow was lemon which was a soft flavor that dispensed some tartness as I chewed it. Green was probably supposed to be apple, but it didn’t taste like much. White was watermelon, and while it was no spongey hell-hated odoriferous stench it did remind me of an Avon lady’s neck.

Really, it wasn’t bad so much as it was pointless. What do gumballs have to do with Shakespeare?

Shakespearean Insult GumThere are quite a few things wrong with this, besides the price of $1.99 for 14 Chinese gumballs.

First, I’ll spoil the surprised and show you 7 out of the possible 25 quotes you could get:

Macbeth = Dissembling harlot, thou are false in all (Comedy of Errors)

King Lear = How foul and loathsome is thine image (The Taming of the Shrew)

Henry V = Bless me, what a fry of fornication is at the door (King Henry VIII)

Richard III = A plague on both your houses (Romeo and Juliet)

Romeo & Juliet = Base dunghill villain and mechanical, I’ll have thy head (Henry VI Part 2)

Hamlet = Thou art likest to a hogs head (Love’s Labour Lost)

Othello = Hang, beg, starve, die in the streets (Romeo and Juliet)

Two of them, I’d reckon, are not insults but actually curses.

What’s sad about this is how completely hobbled it is by its own parameters. Only 25 insults? They’d better be the best ... but they’re not! Here, have some fun with this random Shakespeare insult generator (where I got the ones peppered in here ... you don’t think I actually remember that much from college, do you?).

Why are they tucked into these little volumes like this? They don’t match the spine, so there’s no way to even chose what you think might be the right one for your occasion.  And then, why do I have to tear the little boxes apart to get at the insult?

The website says Sure to offend the intellectuals and confuse the dimwitted!. Yeah, I’m not sure I’m an intellectual, but I’m certainly offended that this was such a dimwitted product. What do they take me for? An unmuzzled tardy-gaited hedge-pig?

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Name: Shakespearean Insult Gum
  • 10 SUPERB
  • 9 YUMMY
  • 8 TASTY
  • 7 WORTH IT
  • 4 BENIGN
Brand: Accoutrements
Place Purchased: ITSUGAR (Universal CityWalk)
Price: $1.99
Size: .64 ounces
Calories per ounce: unknown
Categories: Gum, Novelty, China

POSTED BY Cybele AT 9:08 am Tracker Pixel for Entry    

  1. If the gum were stick style, and the insults were on the wrapper, that would make more sense.  This seems a huge waste of packaging.  And you can get a book of Shakespearean insults at a decent price.

    Comment by Cat Skyfire on 8/03/09 at 10:09 am #
  2. Too bad, great and funny idea.

    Comment by jMo on 8/03/09 at 11:25 am #
  3. Is the quote suppose to come from the name at the first of the quote? If so someone doesn’t know their Shakespeare, Macbeth wasn’t in Comedy of Errors, King Lear not in Taming of the Shrew and so on.

    Comment by Roan Ranch on 8/03/09 at 2:59 pm #
  4. Cybele's avatar

    Roan Ranch - the name on the spine is the first thing in the list, then the quote then the play the quote is from. What the box says on the outside has no relationship to what the quote is on the inside.

    Comment by Cybele on 8/03/09 at 4:02 pm #
  5. I hope they included some of Queen Margaret’s lines from Richard III - she got the best insult string ever. “Thou elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog!”

    Comment by Brandy on 8/03/09 at 5:57 pm #
  6. The English major in me finds this hilarious!

    Comment by Cocoazilla on 8/04/09 at 5:54 am #
  7. Tricia's avatar

    Actually, I DID think you’d remembered that much from college! Shattered illusions. This is qualling milk-livered mumble-news!

    Comment by Tricia on 8/05/09 at 4:02 am #
  8. I actually really like these. Me and my friends love the insults and though the gumballs are quite small, the gum wasn’t too bad at all. We really enjoyed them smile

    Comment by Sam on 8/10/09 at 10:37 am #
  9. neat little boxes, but what a LAME product! Glad you didn’t overdo it on gumball chewing though…got to save that jaw for some yummy candy wink

    Comment by skibs on 8/10/09 at 5:22 pm #
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